Parlay at Joy

Water had gathered in sidewalk crevasses and at every street corner as the downtown Chicago drainage system became overwhelmed with snow melt following a temperature increase of more than a degree per hour over the last 72.  Traversing through the city was proving to be a difficult task requiring nearly the level of focus and forethought of a fighter pilot, or David Blatt, along with the balletic grace to precisely execute the pre-planned movements.  My friends and I had become disoriented from staring down towards our feet desperately trying to minimize the dampness in our soles. I was hemorrhaging hope when miraculously twin University of Wisconsin flags appeared overhead, like red and white stars of Bethlehem, to guide us.  It had become clear that I had arrived at the doorstep of the establishment responsible for serving some of the most celebrated cheese curds in the city.

Entering Parlay at Joy is an experience in itself.  The airy building features exposed brick and has the look of a converted warehouse.  Vintage style lights illuminate the vast space and a spectacular jeweled basketball hoop adorns the wall adjacent to the main bar.  In the heart of the restaurant is a giant chandelier, painted gold, with dozens of matching retro Nikes hanging from impossibly long laces above the patrons.  Once I regained the ability to speak I was able to place my order.

For $10, a massive portion of cheese curds is served on a robust, dished metal platter with sides of ranch and marinara.  The whole ensemble was visually stunning; a picture perfect golden brown coating with contrasting flecks of green parsley that popped against the curds.  The batter was exceptionally crispy and crunched satisfyingly when bitten through with little buildups of flaky batter clinging to the curds like deep fried rice crispies.  Unfortunately, there was a significant amount of grease which left the tail end of the order as soggy as my slush soaked shoes.

The white cheese within was delicious and could stretch to nearly a foot.  The curds were fairly standard in their rounded cylindrical shape with reasonably uniform size.  They were incredibly attractive and the majority of the order was off the charts, the oily bottom is the only ding to the overall rating.  Any cheese curd fan should make their way to Parlay when visiting Chicago.

4.6 curds out of 5.0

Cheesy Fact of the Day:

Cheddar Cheese is never naturally orange. Starting in the 17th century, cheese makers would dye cheese orange to trick buyers into thinking it was a higher quality product. Cheeses can be colored shades ranging from yellow to red through the addition of tropical tree seeds called annatto.

What’s O’Curd to Me:

In the Midwest, when the calendar rolls over into March there is a noticeable buoyancy to the moods of everyone who has been held hostage by the most malicious of Mother Nature’s quadrumvirate of personas.  It’s actually light out when leaving work, the Shamrock Shake has returned, and forecasted temperatures have increased from something like the number of points Joakim Noah might score in any given game to what James Harden could score on a good night.  All of those are very exciting, but to me, the most magical thing about March is overdosing on college basketball by injecting hours of NCAA Tournament action directly into my eyeballs. I thought it would be fun to combine two of the things I treasure most: hoops and hoovering fried cheese curds.  I may come off as a food snob with my reviews but I am a sucker for fast food (my favorite place to eat is McDonald’s). So, I’ve selected a group of restaurants to compete in a Fast Food Final Four, and paired each of them with a #1 seed in the Big Dance, to determine the Cheese Curd Champion. Without further ado, let’s meet the contenders.

Dairy Queen will be represented by the University of North Carolina, and similar to DQ, the Tar Heels are also widely known by their initials.  UNC is a public school, and traditional powerhouse with a nationwide fanbase, accessible for a wide range of prospective students. DQ is also a household name throughout the country.  Their soft-serve ice cream is available in 6,400 locations across all 50 states and 26 other countries. Dairy Queen has the endearing gimmick where they flip Blizzards upside-down to prove how thick the contents are, and UNC has the shtick of always trotting out some All-American, white big man with seemingly everlasting eligibility.  North Carolina is famous for having enrolled Michael Jordan, but did you know that DQ once employed Gwen Stefani?

As a legendary rival to UNC, the Blue Devils are a natural fit to serve as proxy for Culver’s – the color scheme even fits.  Duke is a high-priced private institution that is difficult to gain entry to due to high academic standards. Culver’s has an element of exclusivity as most restaurants are based in the Midwest, radiating out from Wisconsin.  Despite the lack of widespread availability they have entered the national consciousness and attracted a hive of passionate fans/defenders of the brand, much like the Cameron Crazies that support the Blue Devils. Duke is famously self-important and have the stigma of entitlement.  On the other hand, Culver’s serves custard which sounds much more pretentious than peddling ice cream for some reason.

A&W sells a lot of the same items as Culver’s and Dairy Queen – burgers, fries, shakes, etc. – but is often forgotten in that category despite consistently providing a tasty meal.  This screams Virginia who is constantly overlooked in the ACC for the glamour programs of Duke and UNC. The Cavaliers are rock solid and have been one of the best teams in college basketball for the better part of a decade, while living in the shadows.  They are not flashy, playing a style your grandpa can appreciate, but are extremely effective while sporting the same shade of orange as A&W; whose root beer stand setting invokes a feeling of comfort and hearkens back to a simpler era.

Last, but not least, is Cousins Subs.  Right away it becomes clear that this place is not like the others.  In the fast food world, subs are on the opposite end of the spectrum as burgers – the WCC to their ACC.  Gonzaga is Cousins, an unexpected juggernaut in the Pacific Northwest, almost as surprising as deep fried cheese curds at a sandwich shop.  The Bulldogs have been a quality program for nearly two decades and a true national contender for about five straight seasons, but tucked away in Spokane, they are often not respected and have a fanbase that is extremely concentrated geographically.  Cousins is similar in this respect as 95 of their 97 restaurants are in Wisconsin, so as they continue to serve a great product they do it while remaining anonymous to a large portion of the population.

A&W vs. Culver’s:

This is a matchup of two sets of curds that share the commonality of very little grease.  But, much like Duke and Virginia have contrasting styles of play the batter for these cheese curds are vastly different.  Culver’s has a thick, dark coating that completely contains the cheese within, whereas the flakier golden batter from A&W had considerable dairy discharge.  Ironically, A&W packages their orders in a sturdy cardboard carton that protects the goods during transit while Culver’s uses paper. Both of these restaurants are able to effectively marry crunchy with chewy.  A&W makes a tasty curd with a delightfully squeaky cheese but ultimately succumb to the same Achilles’ Heel as their Virginia avatar, and fall short of Culver’s this time, because they are a little too vanilla.

Cousins vs. Dairy Queen:

Both of these orders were served in a rigid container but Cousins also provided a nice metal platter that trumps the usual plastic tray.  I was skeptical about the Dairy Queen curds as soon as I saw them. They had a very odd orangish hue, but when I bit in I was very pleasantly surprised.  The batter has an unexpected crunch and contains a flavorful cheese. Cousins had a higher proportion of extra small nuggets than I would normally hope for but that disappointment was offset by the wrinkle of frying the order in front of me.  Overall DQ had a few too many knocks against it, such as cheese leakage, to advance passed a product of the quality that Cousins put forth. Through this all important tournament Gonzaga is finally able to avenge their loss to UNC in the 2017 National Championship game.

Cousins vs. Culvers:

Way back in November, Gonzaga knocked off Duke in one of the best games of the season.  They were also the only team to defeat the Blue Devils when Zion Williamson was active, but can it be done again?  There was something about the cheese curds at Cousins that made me feel like I was also going to be wolfing down mini doughnuts from a county fair food vendor very soon.  They were beautifully golden brown, with smooth roundish edges, and had the faintest whisper of sweetness to the batter – or maybe that was just because I had sugar bagels on my mind.  Culver’s curds are also mostly rounded with a crispy batter, that has an enjoyable crumbliness, surrounding great tasting cheese. There is a large variation in size that results in pleasant swings in the crispy-to-chewy ratio within each order.  They are not the most visually arresting but are undeniably delicious.

The NCAA Tournament is highly unpredictable due to the single elimination format, any team can win on any given day if everything falls into place.  Similarly, any number of factors could have a slight impact on my evaluation during this exercise. Cousins doesn’t have a notably crispy batter but there is a distinguishable texture and a trace of squeakiness in the cheese.  They tasted absolutely fantastic and on the day I tried them I believed they were the best. It is with great honor that I get to name Cousins the 2019 Cheese Curd Champions! Perhaps this suggests you might want to pick Gonzaga in your bracket pool.